Ponderings

As I sip my tea, realizing how very remiss I have been, a lot of resolve is building in my breast. 

So much of legalism has put my soul in blinding bondage. So much of that bondage has led me to revolt, run the opposite direction, and really just looking for a place to rest my battered soul. 

Will there ever be an end to the strife and fight? So much pain. Move forward then 3 steps back again. I see how loving Christ really is a battle, for the Enemy does want to steal, kill, and destroy the beloved of God.

Words like “deconstruction” which in the past were red flag buzz words, are words buzzing around in my head with less fear and more thoughtfulness. Or as I have affectionately dubbed on my blog, fleshing out vicissitudes 😎.

Can I exegete my positions when the very word exegete both triggers me and also haunts me that there still is truth in exegesis? Nope.

Can I paint broad strokes of positions and say “not there”, “definitely not there”, but definitely comfortable with “there”, yes, yes I can. 

Will I stay here in this place forever? Probably not.

What I know for facts and with resolve are the basic tenants of Christianity laid out in the Nicene Creed. Christ is my savior and He has redeemed me. My feelings, fears, pain, triggers, and every negative interaction within Christianity don’t define the comfort that Christ gives, that He has bought me with a price, redemption so very costly and so very free to me. His mercies are new each morning. I fail in my thoughts and  actions daily. But his mercies are new every morning. The struggle is very real. I’m no perfect Christian. Some may doubt I even am a Christian. Some may think I’m a terrible Christian. You know, that’s totally fine by me because my lifelong struggle has been about pleasing people, I want people to like me and think well of me. But it can’t be my drive and it won’t be my drive. The truth is, the sin lurking within me is just as bad that is lurking in you too. My faith isn’t in myself and how holy I feel, how many times I go to church, how often I pray or read my Bible, how often I model good Christian behavior, or any outward measuring stick of a “good” Christian. My faith lies in the finished work of Christ. His goodness inside me. 

Am I conflicted about different aspects of Christianity? Yep. Am I even conflicted about different aspects of biblical interpretation? Yep.

Will I abandon the only one who has never forsaken me? I cannot. I think of my very darkest moments of pain, moments I thought were inescapable and would crush the life out of me. In that moment of desperation struggling to breathe as I was literally being choked, the words of the hymn “it is well with my soul” overwhelmed me and all I could do was stop struggling. And instead of dying from suffocation... the struggle ended. As I left behind my abuser, totally and utterly forsaken by a father I had long resented, my shattered soul clung to the promise that God never leaves or forsakes us. A soul that was still well, even amid the shattering. I could never forsake the one who sustained me in the blackest darkness. And what’s more comforting and amazing... I won’t be faithful because of my own sheer willpower deciding to not forsake Him, I rest in another truth of scripture that He is faithful even when I am faithless. No matter how small, frail, and weak my faith is, it is a faith that is born out of grace, not of myself. My very security in loving the one who loves me is because He loved me first.

Though my heart often grows cold, easier to trudge through life holding the hurts at bay and to ignore them, ignore all of it, even the warmth of Christ’s love. It cannot be cold forever. For the Holy Spirit will comfort. Gods mercies will be new each morning. Christ has finished the work of redemption. So ups and downs, good times and bad, I am His. 

And maybe it’s not popular, but I sure as heck won’t pull myself up by my good works bootstraps to be better. I am a mess. But unfathomably, a mess that is being sanctified, the work that was begun will continue to completion.

All I can say is praise God for small mercies.